or:
How I Did Everything Wrong and Made a Gazillion Dollars
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You know, every now and then an idea comes along that is so brilliantly stupid you just gotta wonder,
"Hey, that's the dumbest thing I've ever heard. Wish I had thought of it!"
Well, I had one of those Eureka moments, and now I'm going to embarrass myself in front of millions of people on the Internet and prove my premise to one and all.
Anyway, it occurred to me that with all these Internet super genius types floating around in their expensive yachts, and driving their Ferraris back and forth between their multi-million dollar mansions, that I was never going to be able to compete with them on their terms. Not when I had to sell my old wreck a few months back, just to pay the rent, and my toy boat sunk in the bathtub the last time I tried sailing it.
So, as I'm not a Wile E. Coyote-type, I had to come up with some idea that might pay the bills before I ended up walking the streets and searching people's trash cans for my next dinner. And after a restless night of little sleep due to nightmarish dreams that I won't repeat here, I woke up with an amazingly simple plan. While I realized I couldn't out-genius the competition, I realized I could
Out-Stupid Them!!
Yuh, that's the ticket! Just like in the Stargate series, where the SG-1 guys manage to save the Asgard aliens' skinny little butts because the gray guys were too advanced to think of strategies dumb enough to be effective against their enemies, the Replicators. I had to resort to the same type of thinking, if I was going to get myself a seat at the table with all the genius gurus out there with the super fat Paypal accounts. So, that's what I've decided to do.
If it's the right thing to do, then try doing exactly the opposite.
Now, this was the type of anti-genius strategy I could really wrap my teeny brain around. All I had to do was test my strategy and see if it worked. And the quickest way to test it was by implementing a quick email campaign and see if it did better than my usually pathetic efforts. The results nearly blew me away (and my bank account to). But this was all part of my cunning strategy. To show you I'm not lying, here's a snapshot of my PayPal account;
(Sorry, I was going to show you my account balance here, but I don't think you'd be impressed by about $24.)
Right about now, I'm sure you're thinking;
Are you out of your bleepin' mind?
Well, duh-h! Haven't you been reading everything up until this point?
Deliriously speaking, though, it is all part of my clever plan that some of the biggest industries have been using for years to sell their products. But for some reason, none of these Internet geniuses have thought of it. Must be because most of them are younger than my mustache. Whatever the reason, it's my opening and I'm going to run over the goal line with it and hopefully not trip over my shoe laces on the way. Just do me a favor, and don't try to tackle me before I get there. This old body of mine is liable to break into little pieces if you do and I'm having a hard enough time getting my legs to even move fast enough to be considered a trot.
OK, now where was I...?
Oh, yeah. This is where I'm supposed to start listing all the wonderful benefits you're going to get if you buy my incredibly Dumbest Deal Ever Sold.
Well, I'm not going to do that. Because what's really going to happen is you're going to give me money, and I'm going to spend it on rent and other assorted bills. I thought I explained that already?
But to be fair, I've got to give you value for what you're spending beyond my dumb ebook, which will teach you the same strategy that the American car companies have used to sell their crappy vehicles which are nowhere nearly as good as their Japanese or European counterparts. And the mortgages companies in this country and others have successfully used it to get themselves in deep doo doo, recently, too. However, I'm banking on you being smarter than me or them, and you'll see;
How to Use This Strategy Successfully!
It really doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure it out. That's why I'm trying not to reveal too much in this sales pitch, because if I do before I make money with it, the cat will be out of the bag. I will tell you that the key to this and what will make it work is how this should explode your list for you, and even I, dumb as I am, know that the real key to making money in any business is to build a clientle or list of loyal customers who just can't wait to see what your next dumb idea is, because they took you for such a cleaning on the last one.
Right about now, I'm hoping I haven't given away too much. That might just about qualify me for the Darwin Award, which is given to certain incomparable geniuses for their enormous contributions to the human gene pool by removing themselves from it. Now I may be a dumb old fool, but I'm not quite that dumb. Not yet, at any rate.
!!Wicked Extravagant BONUS section!!
Well, I think I've about bored you enough with the dog-and-pony section of my stage show, and now it's time to throw in the goodies that I'm gonna have to cough up if I expect you to pay me the exorbitant sum I've decided to ask for my dumb little ebook. Fortunately for you, I've got a backlog of these other ebooks, videos, and audios that are just taking up space on my hard drive. And I can afford to give them to you along with the rights to sell or give them away. It's really no skin off my teeth to do it, because I've already gone broke buying them all. And, hey, you might just learn a thing or three if you actually try reading them.
Now, let me see. So much to choose from, where should I start. I know, I'll try using the scientific method to make my choice;
Eenie, meenie, miny, mo;
#1.
I figure this is as good a place to start as any. In case you've been living in a cave, this is the program so many of the wise guys are using to make big bucks blogging and doing it automatically (except me, of course). Now, you don't have to waste all your precious time reading those boring eBooks on all the steps you need to do to setup just one lousy blog. In minutes, the Word Press Auto Content Generator will automate setting up your blog and keep it updated, saving you time to....set up another one. And another...and, well, you get the picture. (Now, why am I not doing this again? Oh, that's right, I am too dumb to live. Never mind!)
+++++++++++++
Now, that was a pretty good start, a $67 value at least, and probably worth a lot more. Let's try something else. Ah-h, I know just the right thing;
#2.
Just what every aspiring genius guru needs. As even a half-wit like myself knows, any business worth its salt makes most of its money by building a big list of satisfied customers who are willing to shell out oodles of bucks for their products. And those goes double for the Internet. That's the well all the big boys go to any time they need to raise some quick cash to buy their newest Ferrari or fill that huge yacht of them with fuel. This ebook will show you just how to do it without wasting a lot of money on advertising, spamming, or any of those other tiring and messy strategies. (I would have done this myself, but I tend to be allergic to reading. And I'd hate to miss any of those re-runs of South Park.)
++++++++++++++
Now I'm starting to build some momentum. That's a $27 value though, so it's time to take it up a notch. I know. Do you like watching videos?
#3.
Yup, now I'm on a roll (anyone got any mustard?). These are just two of 36 video and audio ebook sets I'm going to give you that cover so many aspects of marketing that my tired little fingers are worried that I may try to list all of them here. (Don't worry, little guys, I'm not only dumb but I'm also lazy.) Let me just say, that there are over 60 hours of How To videos and video-making tools included in this package and they should cover just about any online marketing subject you can think of. (I've definitely lost it for giving away this much.)
++++++++++++++++
That was awfully extravagant of me. About $297 worth. I keep adding deals this valuable, and the shrinks won't even bother to check my head out, they'll just toss me in a padded cell and throw away the key!
#4.
Here I go again. These are just four of twelve HOT NEW ebooks that would cost you an arm and a leg if you had to purchase them individually (which stupid me did, of course). But I'm going to throw them into this package because I'm really desperate to sell you my eBook. Amazing what a really dumb person will due when his back is against the wall, isn't it?
++++++++++++++++
That wasn't much better than all those videos. Even at a paltry $7 apiece, that's still at least an $84. This is really starting to hurt, but then, I guess I'm just a masochist.
#5.
This one really fits in with the theme of this pitch page, doesn't it? If you've got a project, you need a plan. This little program will take all the mystery and confusion out of it for you. Even a dummy like me was smart enough to use it for this project. And it's so simple and intuitive, you don't need to spend hours reading a stupid manual to figure out how to use it. Just jump right in and start using it right away.
+++++++++++++++
Chock up another $67 value here. No wonder I'm broke. I buy all these products, barely touch them, then instead of selling them, I give them away. Is there no end to how dumb I can get?
#6.
Apparently not. As long as I'm going to shoot myself in the foot, I might as well also give you the WYSIWYG program that I did this page with. It's really easy to use which, for a dummy like me who wouldn't know html from a BLT, is a must for all you aspiring genius gurus. It even comes with a video tutorial that will get you going in no time. And there are about a hundred web page templates included, too.
+++++++++++++++++
Boy, did I overdo it with these bonuses, or what? I can hear the guys with the white coats coming to get me now.
Besides, I figure the dudes who originally wrote and marketed these gems probably made tens of thousands on each of them, so their combined value I'm going to estimate at;
Over $100,000!!!!!
That looks like a great deal, doesn't it? You've got to admit it looks much more impressive to print a hundred grand in big, bold type in this sales pitch than a paltry $550. I wouldn't want you to think I'm being stingy now, would I?
Now, I've got to figure out how much I can con you out of for my brilliantly stupid deal. Hold on for a second while I take a look at my bills, will ya?
Aw, geez, I didn't pay that one yet...
Ooo, and look at this electric bill. That's not good.
And I better pay my ISP, too. Can't afford to get cut off from the Internet now.
Of course, there's always the big one, the rent...hmmm...let me total up.
Oh, boy...this is not good, either.
According to my figures, I should get about $1500 for this deal. Naw, that would be
REALLY DUMB!
Let me re-calculate a bit. If I sell ten times as many, than that means I could charge a hundred fifty. But for some dumb reason, everyone always charges something ending in a seven, so let's try
$147!
Nope, still too much. I'd have to throw in another twenty bonuses to make that type of deal and you don't need them cluttering up your hard drive any more than I do. So, if I cut the price by a third, then we get down to
$47!?
Now we're getting there. Only problem is, all the geniuses usually charge this and I've already decided I can't compete with them, remember? I think then I better cut this in half and make it
$28!!!
That's the ticket. And I ended it in an eight because that's my lucky number. Of course, I'll have to split that with all those affiliates who are going to want to market this for me, but it's not a perfect world. And if I try making it one of those seven dollar deals, then really, nobody will make any money. Besides, too many of the geniuses are already all over that strategy.
That means now I only have to deal with the guarantee. I really don't want to give you one, but I figure most of you will be too lazy to ask for your money back anyway, or you realize that $28 is that much to pay for my comedy club routine. Therefore, although I don't want to, I'll give you a full, no questions asked,
30 day unconditional money back guarantee...
If the type size is too small to read, tough noogies. I'd have printed it in invisible ink if I thought I could get away with it.
Anywho, click the link below, and it'll take you to another page where I'll try to squeeze a few more bucks out of you with some one-time special offer, before it takes you to the order page. You can pay with PayPal, AlertPay, SafePay, dimes, nickels, pennies, I really don't care. Just make it something I can cash out quickly before the landlord comes knocking at my door.
Thanks for coming to the floor show and I hope you had a really good time.
Love and kisses,
Dilbert Doofus
publisher@eBookPublishing.ws